So, girls night usually includes a discussion, and maybe an episode, of “Sex and the City”, “Girlfriends” or “The Game”. Did I mention wine and a large bowl of guacamole? Undoubtedly, the discussion turns into unabashed chat about sex. While I am not a prude and am willing to discuss sex, I don’t like discussing specifics i.e. what I do or what I like or where I like it. It makes me uncomfortable. Frankly, hearing my girlfriend discuss her sex-ventures with the homely looking professor is a bit much as well. I mean do I really need to know his level of performance? Absolutely not! While I won’t divulge the details as told to me, I will say based on what she told me the professor’s knowledge and skills aren’t limited to academia!
Now, I have no qualms telling my friends, guys and girls, specifics about my bathroom visits after eating a super spicy sushi roll or two cobs of corn. However, my personal activities regarding S.E.X…. that is not a need to know for anyone but HIM. So you may be wondering “What exactly will you discuss?” Well I will tell you…I will discuss sex…. in general. I am comfortable talking about what-if scenarios as long as there are no identifiers. I mean think about. How comfortable are you in front of a guy after hearing from his girl about his skill, or lack thereof? Like Mr. T would say “I pity the fool.” So to avoid awkward moments or embarrassing the clueless, I believe in discussing generalities and hypothetical scenarios.
One particular scenario my girlfriends and I discussed: what should a girl do if a guy…how shall I say this…eats down there but has no freaking clue what he is doing? Is the scenario not clear to you? Simply, what could (or should) a woman do if a guy gives head in a manner that is criminal? Some girlfriends thought it was best to stop him in the midst of his meal and tell him in no uncertain terms “Boo, you are failing miserably. Just give up!”. Some thought it may be best to purr commands like “Softer, right there, lower”…. you get the drift. One person thought it was better just to suffer in silence, fake the funk and not make the same mistake twice. (Looking back now, I can see why only one person was willing to do this!)
I, on the other hand, prefer subliminal messages. Men are like children, sad but true, and you have to be careful how you say certain things. A guy, with his face buried in your valley, may take offense to anything short of gratitude. And you know what, I would not blame the dude! I mean think about, he went through the pain-staking task of trekking into your valley, does his best to find his way through the great unknown and you want scream commands on how to scale the rocks. Now I am not saying let the guy fail or even let him wander around until he gets lost and tired. Absolutely not! I am saying prepare the brother. How? Well I would play Khia’s “My Neck, My Back”…before he heads downtown!
This song should be a pre-requisite for any guy who thinks about putting his lips on his woman’s special lips. I mean seriously, have you listened to the song? Khia is practically rapping the instructions for giving optimal pleasure below the navel.
- First you gotta put your neck into it,
- DON’T STOP,
- just do it,
- DO IT,
- then you roll your tongue from the back up to the front”
Not only does the song have a catchy beat, but there are bonuses. First, Khia gives us ladies some tips as well. After all guys aren’t the only ones with something to learn. “All you ladies pop that thing like this, shake your body don’t stop, don’t quit.” How can we expect the guy to succeed if we have no stamina or lack rhythm? The second bonus is that the song is better than any instructional video or book. Super bonus: you don’t have to feel embarrassed about playing it or listening to it. You can play it off like somebody was messing with your radio or your ITunes account.
However, I would be remiss to not issue a disclaimer: be careful of the dirty version of the song! The dirty version suggests licking the crack. Fellas: please, please, please….DO NOT lick the crack unless you get the woman’s prior consent. And ladies, DO NOT play the dirty version if you are not ready for the guy to trek “from the crack to the front”!